


Self Sabotage And Other Symptoms Of A Damaged Soul

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Incest Mention (No Actual Incest), Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 07:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10381383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: Ok so everyone knows Dave and Dirk had a long amazing talk that presumably ended with Dave asking him for advice on the Being Not Straight stuff. My problem is, Dave also spent three years with his gloriously gay twin sister on a fucking space rock while he was right in the middle of coming to terms with all this stuff. So I wrote this mostly to reconcile the gap I think exists there, with a bunch of other Dave centric stuff thrown in with it.





	

He blinked away the residual memory of his latest trip through the dream bubbles, aware simultaneously of the soft sweater his cheek was pillowed against and the hard dig of plastic against his left temple and the bridge of his nose. His arms were wrapped around the body beneath him, and he felt warm rush of embarrassed delight at the way his own body was pressed in tight against it, warm from head to somewhere dangerously near waist-level, splayed out on -- what? The couch? Probably the couch, again. This lasted about five blissful seconds, and then the guilt began to flood in. This was not the sort of position a Strider woke up to find himself in, holy shit. Vulnerable, for one thing, and -- _wrong_ , on the other.

Karkat's chest rose and fell beneath him, and Dave noted with one part groggy glee and one part agonizing mortification that his sappy boyfriend's god damn fingers were running in aimless patterns through his hair, nails dragging lightly against his scalp. It was so fucking far beyond the realm of reasonable, rational _experience_ , this absent-minded affection, it actually made the act of waking up and coming back to reality feel less real. He felt like he might just float off on a cloud of his own damn shameful contentment, in fact. 

Instead, he held himself perfectly still, trying to imitate the deep, even breaths that usually came with sleep. Experiencing this was okay as long as no one knew he was making the choice to do so, according to rules about this shit he was just kind of making up as he went. Karkat let out a huffy little sigh, and Dave flinched before he could stop himself, sure it was directed at him and his bullshit deception -- but instead of calling him out, Karkat just shifted a little beneath him, snorting softly. 

"I swear to fuck," he said, speaking in a low, raspy little mutter. Dave swallowed, unsure of exactly how to respond, but before he could decide a course of action, Karkat just kept right on going without him. "This is _never_ going to work if you keep putting out signals, and then, the second you get a positive _response_ , you fuck off like a scared little wiggler -- she is _obviously_ waiting for you, you... fucking, obtuse..." Karkat's lecturing tapered off and ended with another derisive snort, and Dave realized that he wasn't talking to him at all. Karkat shifted again, and the dry sound of paper pages turning confirmed it. 

Dave grinned into Karkat's sweater. Karkat and his fucking garbage literature, full of dramatic shouting arguments and overdone unrealistic swooning and whatever the troll equivalent to rippling muscles and heaving bosoms was -- maybe just actually muscles and bosoms, honestly. In all kinds of varying and vacillating configurations, of course. Something about knowing Karkat was reading through his own ridiculous spank bank material while Dave was conked out in his literal arms was absolutely hilarious, vaguely irritating _and_ kind of... intriguing, all at once. The sort of thing that would be easy to think about too hard. 

Like, for instance, what it would be like to be pressed up all awkwardly intimate this way with him when he got to, well, _those_ parts. Dave imagined Karkat's face heating up, his body squirming under his in that "I'm hella turned on but trying to keep it subtle" way he'd learned to recognize even _before_ they'd managed any embarrassing bumbling confessions to one another. It was more fun to think about than the rules he was making up really allowed for, but -- fuck. Damn. What else was he supposed to think about, now that it was stuck in his head?

Probably not cool to be thinking about any of that. Especially not while he was pretending to be asleep because he needed the fucking plausible deniability in order to let himself enjoy... whatever this was. 

All right. Time to get up, before the shitty feelings started drowning out the nice ones. Fuck. 

He sucked in a breath and pretended to jolt awake all at once, lifting his head and letting go of Karkat, flattening his palms against the cushions underneath. Karkat snapped the book closed with one hand, the other immediately disentangling itself from Dave's hair, so fast it was like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't. An absolutely undeniably gay little _pang_ went through him, and then he was pulling himself onto his knees and away from Karkat, reaching up to straighten his shades on his face. "Hey," he said, casually, flopping back onto his own side of the couch, regretting the way all the parts of him that had been pressed up against Karkat's warmth a second ago just felt cold and bereft, now. Karkat pulled his legs up to give him room, knees jutting up between them. 

"Hey," Karkat replied, eyes narrowed over the top of his book, which he was holding up like the world's most comically inappropriate shield. Dave couldn't parse the Alternian alphabet well enough to decode the title, but it was long and emblazoned across the glossy cover in garish purple, superimposed over a pair of hulking muscletrolls and a knife-wielding woman between them. Somehow, Dave had the feeling the woman would win. He kind of wanted to smile. To see what Karkat's face would do if Dave informed him that he was really kind of, uh, cute. Jesus. No fucking way. He made himself smirk and quirk an eyebrow instead.

"You having fun with that garbage, over there?" Teasing was usually safe. Karkat's brows pulled down and he actually stuffed the book between his body and the couch, sitting on it like by doing so he could pretend it had never been there. Dave tilted his head. "Come on, man, I know you kind of have a low opinion of humans sometimes, but I promise we master object permanence pretty early on." 

"And yet you remain woefully ignorant of the appeal in complex interpersonal narrative and compelling emotional theater, so really, I think my low opinion is still absolutely warranted!" 

"Okay," Dave shrugged, "But consider: If you didn't want to hear my bullshit on some level, you'd probably be ignoring me, maybe reading that book instead of nesting on top of it, or whatever this is." 

"It's kind of hard to read with someone barfing their ignorant judgement breath all the fuck over your potential enjoyment of the activity," Karkat said. "Nice timing, by the way, jackass. The subjuggulator was just about to reveal his forbidden--" 

" _Subjuggulator?_ " Dave leaned forward, frowning. "Are you telling me that fucking -- _sex book_ you're reading is about a fucking _murderclown?_ " 

Karkat crossed his arms, all defiance, but there was a pink tinge to his cheeks, now. "It's not a _sex book,_ you fucking philistine, and no, I know exactly what you're picturing, and it's not _that_ , please give me some god damn credit." 

Dave could feel his eyebrows pulling down, and _knew_ he probably looked like a petulant asshole, just then, but, "Sorry, I just didn't realize that's what got you going, you know, hulking juggalos being all domineering and shit--" 

"Firstly--" 

"--Ladies all like oh, Mr. Murderclown, please, don't be gentle--" 

"I swear to _god,_ " Karkat reached under himself, retrieved the book, and chucked it at him with enough force that it probably would have hurt if his dodging instincts hadn't saved him. As it was, Dave ducked down just fast enough that he felt the thing whizz by overhead, followed by an indecorous pair of _thunk_ sounds as it hit the wall and then the floor. "You win! Your insufferability has utterly sucked all the joy and contentment I was previously and honestly, probably stupidly allowing myself to experience in your company. Congratulations! Your prize is a deep and sincere invitation to go fuck yourself!" Karkat swung his legs out off the couch as he said all this, standing and gesticulating wildly with every word. 

It was weird how even when he was actually getting his ass verbally reamed, Karkat's over the top reactions just kind of made him feel... secure. Grounded. He leaned back, keeping his expression carefully neutral, erasing whatever bullshit emotion he'd been projecting before. He knew how to handle this. Karkat got like this at least six times a day, and wasn't really actually mad at him. 

"Later, then," he said, and Karkat's shoulders honest-to-god _spasmed._ He shook a finger at him, face contorting. 

"I can't believe I was actually looking _forward_ to you waking up! God!" He stalked past him, bending to retrieve the book from its resting place between the wall and the couch, and Dave let his eyes follow him, safely hidden behind his shades. "Next time you want to take a nap, leave me out of it, how about that?" 

"All right," Dave agreed, crossing his arms. He thought about what had happened, earlier. He remembered Karkat's little hitching breath, as Dave had carefully pretended to be groggier than he was, like snuggling up wasn't entirely a conscious decision he was making. How fucking cowardly he was, god. He shrugged, shutting off his recollection. "Good advice. I was gonna do that anyway, actually." Yeah, right.

"Sure you were," Karkat said, mirroring Dave's own thoughts.

"Honest to god, man, no more weird snuggle naps, that shit is _unbelievably_ uncool. Need to get a handle on that noise, you're absolutely right." They'd only been really dating for a few weeks. Dave wasn't sure whether he felt that there had been too much or too little... uh, physical stuff, and it was hard to pin down his feelings when they were all squeezed in by a rising tide of panic whenever he tried. 

Karkat hesitated, something Dave couldn't quite interpret fluttering over his face. Whatever it was, it squeezed something uncomfortably in his _own_ chest, and -- he didn't really like the way _that_ felt, so he ignored it. Pushed it down. Easy. "Oh," Karkat said, and then he nodded in a way that seemed almost half to himself, like he was confirming something private. "Great. Glad we could get that settled," he said, and then he tucked the book up under his arm and turned to go, a little too fast. 

A part of Dave posited dimly that maybe he'd handled that _too_ well. That part of him kinda wanted to call Karkat back, maybe soften the exchange a little, make it clearer that he hadn't actually meant any of it and maybe confirm -- like, they were still cool, right? But that part of him was a soft, second-guessing little bitch and Dave quashed the instinct viciously down, imagining it like this little glowing ember of weakness inside he could put out if he mentally stomped hard enough. Karkat disappeared through the door with a mechanical little _zip_. It was actually rare that he really left after these little exchanges. 

Dave sat stiffly on the couch for awhile, thinking. It was frustrating how no matter how hard he mentally stomped, that little ember blinked off and on at the back of his mind, smugly asking him how he thought that all might have gone if he'd just manned up and maybe had the balls to say something nice to his boyfriend, instead. 

Which was fucking stupid, because men who _manned up_ didn't have boyfriends, period.

* 

He sat alone in his block, scribbling aimlessly in a notebook, and wondered what black vacillation would actually look like between him and Karkat if it happened. When it happened. Wasn't it a thing all trolls kind of wanted? Needed, maybe? 

He doubted it would look much like this, but it was nicer to think of the awkward space Karkat had slammed between them lately as a different kind of affection instead of the lack of any at all. The cold shoulder could be a technique he was using to express "hate," right? Technically? Sort of? 

His phone pinged, buzzing loudly against the sheet metal table, and Dave snatched it up too quickly to fool himself into thinking it was anything other than laboriously fucking uncool desperation. Jesus shit. The right thing to do would have been to let it sit there for awhile, unanswered, proving that two could play these games and he wasn't at all desperate to know exactly what the fuck was going on, relationship-wise.

TT: I have good news.  


Two things happened. The first was that his heart lifted on instinct -- Rose messaging him first usually meant she wanted him to do something, but he loved it when she did anyway. He'd never been able to shake that warm feeling that came from Rose independently remembering he existed and then contacting him voluntarily. 

The second was that a wave of disappointment made his stomach actually physically hurt. Okay, so it wasn't Karkat. The thing was, they hadn't even really _fought,_ it was just -- he felt maybe he'd communicated something that Karkat had taken too literally, and Dave knew they'd have to talk to fix it, but the thought of just sitting down and talking about that stuff was horrifying, so he just let it fester, instead. If that was even what it was doing. Maybe Karkat was just busy.

TT: Are you there?  
TG: oh hey  
TG: good news?  
TG: sounds fake  
TT: You haven't even heard it, yet.   
TG: i mean the concept in general  
TG: obviously lalonde christ i thought you were prescient or whatever get your shit in gear  
TT: I'm happy to report that my abilities don't quite extend to navigating the labyrinthine halls of the Striderian mind.   
TG: oh shit  
TT: In any case.   
TG: i cant tell if ive just been hellishly burned or revoltingly complemented  
TG: well played  
TT: Thank you. We're approaching a set of dream bubbles some orders of magnitude larger than any we've seen before.   
TT: So large, in fact, they're likely to take us several weeks to pass through.   
TG: how is this good news  
TT: You don't think a change of scenery might be welcome? Personally, I'm a little tired of the post-apocalyptic laboratory setting.   
TG: god  
TG: of course this is just "good news" for the aesthetic  
TG: unbelievable   
TG: tell your girlfriend or whatever to stop corrupting your sensibilities with her biases its frankly sickening  
TT: "Or whatever"?   
TG: yeah  
TG: or whatever  
TT: I find your inability to commit to the term despite knowing it's the correct one very interesting.   
TG: no shut up  
TG: were not doing this  
TT: Especially considering your own situation.   
TG: theres no "situation"!  
TT: I'm just saying, your persistent need to qualify the obvious with an unnecessary back door is very telling.   
TG: look  
TG: just because youre like  
TG: ok with all this  
TG: or whatever oh shit there he goes again with the unnecessary back door holy shit no doubt your freudian radar is tingling mightily both at said qualifier and my fixation on the term back door  
TG: doesnt mean everyone is and maybe you should just like  
TG: chill or something  
TG: just an idea  
TT: I am very chill.   
TG: ok  
TT: Keeping that in mind, maybe I should stop putting this off.   
TG: uh  
TT: So, be honest.   
TT: Are you not okay with this?   
TG: what  
TT: My situation, I mean.   
TG: what  
TT: Does it make you uncomfortable?  
TG: rose what no  
TG: no  
TT: No?   
TG: no like not that kind of no god damn it   
TG: rose  
TG: im not like  
TG: ugh  
TG: youre fine   
TG: you and kanaya and like... all that  
TG: its fine  
TG: its more than fine im not good with words you might have noticed  
TT: Hm.   
TG: sorry  
TG: hey you know im not like   
TG: an asshole  
TG: right?  
TG: i mean im KIND OF an asshole but i strive to be an endearing flavor of asshole  
TG: jesus christ pretend i didnt just use the phrase "flavor of asshole"  
TG: not an actual ASSHOLE asshole  
TG: the kind that like wouldnt be okay with his sister having a girlfriend  
TG: you know that right  
TT: Yes.   
TG: ok  
TT: But thank you for saying it anyway.   
TG: yeah  
TT: This has gotten rather uncomfortably real.   
TG: yeah  
TT: So it probably wouldn't matter if I made it a little worse.   
TG: oh god  
TG: please dont  
TT: I just want you to know that if my brother had a boyfriend...   
TG: stop  
TT: That would be fucking delightful, actually.   
TG: no fuck this stop this immediately  
TT: That's it.   
TG: thank god  
TT: Luckily, there is a massive oncoming set of dream bubbles that we can both leverage to our advantage to avoid awkward real life encounters for the foreseeable future.   
TG: when you put it that way it kind of does sound like good news  
TT: See? I told you so.   
TT: Just make sure whatever nonsense you get up to, you're back here before we head out the other side.   
TT: And try not to let the ghosts unsettle you. They're... well. Not harmless, but they could be a valuable source of information on this thing that's murdering their kind en masse.   
TG: what happens if said thing explodes this bubble while were passing through  
TG: what then  
TT: That won't happen.   
TT: And you should be very, very glad it won't.  
TG: ...  
TT: And...   
TG: ...?   
TT: Hm. Nevermind.   
TG: wait  
TT: If you hear anything interesting, let me know.   
TT: And I mean actually interesting, damn you.  
TT: We'll talk more later.  
TG: wait  
TG: what were you gonna say  
TG: damn it rose  
TG: i swear to god  
TG: you can be some bullshit sometimes  
TG: fine  
TG: be all mysterious  
TG: i see how it is  


He tossed his phone irritably to the side, and then, not satisfied with just that level of rejection, fished around behind his head for a loose pillow and plopped it viciously atop the phone, as though he could smother the damn thing. Then he let his head drop back and heaved a super fucking overdramatic sigh. God. Nice. His extremely gay sister, whose good opinion of him he'd been trying to court his entire fucking life, thought he was maybe some kind of homophobe or something, and the worst part was -- he felt like maybe he kind of _was._ Not at her or Kanaya, though. It was different, for girls. She had to _know_ that. 

But he suspected if he said that to her, she'd wring his god damn neck. And deep down, he thought he could see why he'd deserve it. Which made him -- well, what _did_ that make him? If he could see it but was just deliberately looking the other way? If he knew it was a shitty way to think but did it anyway? If he thought boys liking other boys was weird and uncomfortable and _wrong_ but told the boy he liked he wanted to date him anyway, because he was too weak to reject something he wanted so badly, and then thought worse of both of them for going through with it? And -- _fuck_

He realized he was maybe going to throw up a second before his stomach flipped over, and he came about an ass hair away from horfing indecently all over the floor. He actually clapped his hands over his mouth and made a truly uncool sound, half grunt and half sob and half groan, and yeah, that was three halves, but that was just indicative of how fucked the situation was. 

And then it passed. He shoved it away from him, the entire bundle of shit, swallowed a few times just to make sure, and then turned to fish around for his phone, again.

TG: how long before this massive dream bubble shit hits  
GC: 4BOUT 4N HOUR, M4YB3 TWO?  
GC: H1, BY TH3 W4Y >:]  
GC: 1T H4S B33N 4N UNCONSC1ON4BLY LONG T1M3 S1NC3 YOU H4V3 SOUGHT MY S4G3 4DVIC3  
TG: yeah im pretty much the worst  
GC: LUCK1LY FOR YOU 1 4M 1N 4 FORG1V1NG MOOD  
TG: how much trouble do you think i could get into in this dream bubble  
TG: theoretically  
TG: left to my own devices  
GC: 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO C4US3 TROUBL3, D4V3?  
TG: maybe  
GC: COUNT M3 1N   
TG: i had a feeling youd say that  
GC: >:D  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: theres one condition  
GC: YOU 4RE 1N NO POS1T1ON TO M4K3 D3M4NDS  
TG: you have to tell me like  
TG: everything you know about karkat  
GC: OH, DO 1?   
TG: yeah  
GC: WHY 3V3R WOULD YOU N33D TO KNOW 4BOUT K4RK4T   
GC: MY 3Y3BROWS, BY TH3 W4Y  
GC: 4R3 4BSOLUT3LY OUT OF CONTROL  
TG: i think  
TG: you cant repeat this  
TG: swear by your justice dragons or whatever you wont repeat this  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 V3RY SOL3MN O4TH TO D3M4ND OF M3  
GC: >:/  
TG: but you want to hear me say this right  
GC: Y3S  
GC: F111111N3  
GC: I SW34R BY TH3 TRUTH-SN1FF1NG OLF4CTOR13S OF TH3 CH13F D3PUTY H1MS3LF TO K33P WH4T3V3R HUM1L14T1NG TH1NG YOUR3 4BOUT TO D1VULG3 B3TW33N TH3 TWO OF US!  
GC: NOW S4Y 1T   
TG: no telling vriska especially  
GC: D4V3 1 4M HURT   
GC: DO YOU NOT TRUST MY SOL3MN O4TH  
GC: I DO NOT SW34R BY PYR4LSPR1T3 L1GHTLY 1 4SSUR3 YOU  
TG: ok  
TG: thats kind of weird but i can respect it  
TG: all right heres the truth  
TG: i thiiink   
TG: karkat is  
GC: ...  
GC: Y3S??  
TG: uh  
GC: S4Y 1T!  
TG: a word that rhymes with suit  
GC: NO CH34T1NG!  
GC: OUT W1TH 1T  
TG: ugh  
TG: fine  
TG: cute i think hes kind of fucking cute okay  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H444   
TG: shit  
GC: YOU 4R3 SO V3RY FUCK3D  
GC: 1 W4RN3D YOU  
GC: 1 W4RN3D YOU 4BOUT K4RK4T 4ND H1S STR4NG3LY D1S4RM1NG CUT3N3SS!  
TG: yeah i know laugh it up  
TG: get it out of your system  
TG: and then meet me outside this hell dump  
TG: ready to educate  
GC: S1LLY COOLK1D  
GC: 1 W4S BORN R34DY  
GC: FOR 4NYTH1NG, M1ND YOU  
GC: BUT 3SP3C14LLY FOR TH1S!!  


He nodded once, pocketing the phone. His guts were roiling again. Maybe he'd just made a huge mistake. But mostly, he thought he just... needed help. 

* 

"You are so overthinking this," Terezi insisted, sitting beside him, their shoulders not quite close enough to touch. Her feet were dangling into a purple ocean extended out before them as far as the eye could really see -- his eyes, at least. Hers were fixed downward, and most definitely not looking at anything in the traditional sense. He'd tried to get her to date him, in those early days on the meteor, weeks before he would realize Karkat Vantas was maybe a little more than a one dimensional angry dude who probably hated him. 

She hadn't really been mean, but she hadn't been gentle, either. He'd avoided her for months out of sheer embarrassment. And in the time since, they'd been carving out what it meant to be friends, instead. 

They hadn't really caused any trouble out here in the dream bubble. That had just been an excuse to get together in the first place, and they both carefully left how ridiculously uncool they were both being hanging unacknowledged between them. 

"I just want to be prepared for every possible scenario," Dave said, trying and failing to keep the whiny defensiveness out of his tone. 

"It's not blackrom, you complete and utter infant. If it was blackrom, you would know! Karkat is completely awful at it, if you must know. Everything is so over the top and heavy handed, with him, which is charming when it's just _flushed_ sort of flirtation, but when he decides to go the other way it's so obvious and frankly _cringe_ worthy, and -- hey. Dave, are you even listening?" 

"Uh, yeah," Dave said, snapping his head up. "I'm just also kind of slowly melting through the fucking floor?" 

"So dramatic." 

"I guess." 

"The bottom line is, you'll _know_ if Karkat is trying to force a quadrant flip." 

"So, he's just actually really mad at me, then." 

Terezi shrugged, kicking the water. "Maybe. I mean, from the sound of it, he'd be right to be? No offense, but the whole human gender-specific dating crap makes no sense whatsoever." 

"I don't know how to stop," Dave admitted, softly. 

"Being an asshole, you mean?" He grin was very sharp. He hunched his shoulders, gaze sliding away from her.

"Yeah. I guess. Pretty much." 

"I think Karkat can handle you being an asshole. It's you being a purposely inscrutable coolkid that's really driving him batshit, probably." She was still grinning, and the jagged edges of her teeth practically _gleamed_ in the reflection of the fake dream bubble sunlight on the water. "What does someone who loves _feelings_ so much do with someone who hates them as much as you?" 

"Okay, but how do I stop being like this?" Dave asked, and something in his voice seemed to actually get to her, because she blinked a few times behind her ridiculous lenses and then shook her head at him, smirking sadly. 

"Dave. Honestly? If I knew the answer to that, I could maybe solve my own problems, instead of shelving them all to share my immaculate wisdom with idiot boys." She stood up, dusting crumbles of soggy dream dirt off her pants. Dave stood with her, reluctantly. 

"Well," he said, wincing at the misery in his own voice. "Thanks for trying." 

"You'll be _fine,_ " Terezi said, and then she turned and squinted out at the vast bubble horizon, licking her lips. "I can smell something... _familiar,_ out there," she said, and Dave raised a quizzical eyebrow at her, which she ignored, probably because she couldn't fucking see it. "It's really strange. I'm sure I've never smelled these people in my life, but I _know_ them, somehow, and..." she broke off with a growl. 

"Uh," Dave said, eloquently. 

"Never mind! Never mind. Look. I have a feeling about this. Call it a seer's intuition! You'll be _fine._ I feel like..." 

"Like...?" 

She frowned. "I feel like events have been arranged in a very specific way, to reach a very specific outcome, and part of that outcome is... it's important to me that you and Karkat will be _fine._ " 

A beat of silence stretched between them, during which both of their expressions twisted, though maybe for different reasons. 

"That is a very weird thing you just said," Dave said. 

Terezi made a frustrated, guttural growling noise, the sort of threatening alien sound that still unfurled a little tendril of fear deep in the recesses of Dave's primal monkey brain, if he let himself admit it. "Just _go,_ " she snapped, waving him away. 

He went. 

The problem was, he really had nowhere to _go._

Rose hadn't been kidding when she'd said this bubble -- series of bubbles? Who the hell knew -- was _massive._ He could go back to his room, maybe, wait it out, but the thought left him feeling... shitty. Or maybe that was just everything. Everything was leaving him feeling shitty, because he was shit. It made a certain amount of sense. 

He had his phone out before he really even knew what he was going to say.

TG: where are you

It kind of hung there, desperately pathetic, the kind of thing that a Strider should really never stoop to doing, the kind of thing Dave still did all the time anyway. Where are you, what are you doing, whatever it is, stop it immediately and pay attention to him, instead. His fingers itched to send a second message. A third, a tenth, a hundredth if he thought it would work. 

He was just about to put the phone away when it chimed cheerfully in his hand.

CG: UH   
CG: EXPLORING, I GUESS? NOT MUCH ELSE TO DO, NOW THAT WE'RE HERE.   
CG: WHY? WHERE ARE YOU?   
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?   


Dave stared at this for a second, and almost laughed.

TG: im fine man  
TG: just wondering whats up  
TG: kinda miss hanging out  
TG: i guess  
TG: its been awhile  


He forced himself to fucking stop. Wait.

CG: ITS BEEN, LIKE, ONE DAY. TOPS.   
TG: ok so no then  
TG: thats cool no prob  


The screen was distorting weirdly, for absolutely no reason at all, because there were rules and paramount among them, higher even then _Strider boys don't want to date other boys,_ there was _Striders don't fucking cry._ Ever. 

No rules against feeling like shit, though. As long as you didn't let on about it.

CG: NO, I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY THAT!  
CG: HEY.   
CG: I'VE BEEN PUTTING THIS OFF, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO PUT IT WITHOUT SOUNDING IGNORANT OR CALLOUS OR LIKE AN ASSHOLE, I GUESS, BUT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU. UH, ABOUT THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. BUT WE REALLY SHOULD.   
CG: BUT, NO, WAIT.   
CG: BEFORE WE DO ANY OF THAT, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU.   
CG: THERE'S THIS LITTLE DREAM BUBBLE TROLL TOWN NOT FAR FROM ALL OUR SHIT. CAN YOU MEET ME HERE?   
CG: IF YOU WANT.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i can  
CG: OK. THANKS.   


He _did_ laugh at that. Karkat was asking to see him, and then thanking _him_ for saying yes? Fucking absurd. He shook his head.

TG: ill be there soon  


As fast as semi-immortal god flight could take him, really. And thankfully, it was easy to find. A little spot just beyond the weird dream beach their meteor had partially fused with for this phase of the long journey through. A little spot that admittedly got a lot bigger, flying toward it, both outways _and_ upways, but there seemed to be only one real major road through the dream city so he elected to follow that. 

He wondered if he was looking at some collective, community memory of Alternia. It didn't feel right. But high above in a mix of dream sky and dream space and _real_ space out beyond the filmy barrier of the bubble a huge pink moon hung like a garish neon open sore. He could have floated up to it, but why bother? 

"Dave!" Karkat's voice filtered up to him, and his heart flopped over and he twitched involuntarily toward it, scanning the street below. "Dave, over here!" Karkat was waving up at him, practically hopping up and down, and it was so fucking endearing and funny and fucking _cute_ he couldn't help but grin and wave back. 

"Nice place for a party," Dave said nonchalantly, floating down to land lightly on his feet. He glanced around. "Too bad no one's home?" 

"I've been practicing this," Karkat said, taking his hand, and for one idiotic dizzying second Dave actually thought he was referring to the act of holding hands itself, because the idea of that having to be something one had to practice actually made perfect sense to him. His breath exited his body in one embarrassing rush, and he hoped to god he wasn't gripping back too tightly, or too loosely, or too sweatily, and let Karkat lead him. 

They went through a door, up a set of dubious stairs, and emerged in a closed room, like an apartment living room, but bigger. It was mostly empty space, but Karkat seemed excited. Dave peered at him, confused. 

"All right," he said, finally. "What... exactly, have you been practicing?" 

"Okay, so!" Karkat dropped his hand, and Dave fought the immediately instinct to just grab his other one immediately to make up for the sudden loss. Before he could, Karkat started walking around, gesturing excitedly as he went. "Dream bubbles are really fucking malleable, right? Like, they're constantly forming and reforming around us based on whatever whims of the ghosts and the horrorterrors and whatever the hell else wants, right?" 

"I guess," Dave, who had never really thought about it, said with a frown. 

"So I figured if you just exerted enough _will_ , maybe you could influence the environment yourself, even if you weren't dreaming, exactly." 

"So... you made this?" Dave gestured at the space around them, and Karkat nodded. 

"I can't do the whole thing, it gets kind of slippery around the edges if I try to do too much, but -- look, this is --" He stopped, suddenly seeming unsure. His excitement visibly deflated. "Uh, I mean... this is where I used to live. Sort of." 

"Your... hive?" Dave blinked. 

"Yes! I figured, since those fucking ghosts get god damn everywhere, sometimes, maybe if I carved out a little piece of their _own_ landscape, they wouldn't think to look there, and maybe I could just... have some fucking peace and quiet, if I wanted it. Like I said, I've been practicing this!" 

Dave laughed, softly. "If you wanted peace and quiet, maybe you shouldn't have brought me here, dude." 

Karkat gave him a funny look, and then dropped his eyes. "No, look. Let's -- look," he exhaled, loudly. "Let's go upstairs. Come on." 

Dave followed him, both because he wanted to see more of this strangely personal exhibition, and also because there was nothing else he could really do or say. Karkat's hive was... neat. Almost spartan in design. Clean, of course, just like his block in the meteor, which made the decorations that existed stand out. Movie posters. A hand drawn picture of what must have been his lusus, which looked frankly terrifying. The stairs ended on a landing with a few closed doors, and one conspicuously open one, which Karkat stepped through and then held open for him, fidgeting nervously. 

"This is my room," Karkat said, and then he turned away, gesturing around as he spoke. "Or at least, the best I could do. It's weird how hard it was to _remember_ it. I spent a significant portion of every damn day in this space for six sweeps, and I still don't think I got all the details right." 

Dave thought about his own room, back in Houston. Tried to recreate it in his mind. Painstakingly, every detail, until an unpleasant rising sort of ridiculous hysteria forced him to stop. When he opened his eyes, Karkat was staring at him. 

"I was trying to see if I could remember mine," Dave clarified, lamely. Karkat smiled, and Dave's heart did a triple backflip in his chest. Pathetic. 

"You probably did better than me," he said. 

"I doubt it. This place is really... clean," he decided on, and Karkat laughed. 

"Yeah, it probably seems that way to a serial fucking slob like you!" He elbowed him lightly, then walked over to the computer desk, touching it thoughtfully. "Most of this didn't actually still exist when we entered the session. I'd already fucked things up pretty badly even that early on... but I wanted you to see it like this, I guess. The way I want to remember it." 

"Can I ask... why? Like, why is it important that I see this? Not that it isn't cool and all, but..." 

Karkat shrugged. "It just felt important," he said. He winced, like there was more that he didn't want to say, and then surprisingly, continued. "I thought it might just be... I don't know, significant. I've never brought anyone in here, before." He coughed, flushing pink. "To my hive, I mean. But definitely not to my room, specifically." 

Dave felt his face heating up, too. His instincts said to lampshade what they both had to be thinking, at least a little bit. "Hard to proposition someone when you don't have a real bed," he teased, the words just popping unthinkingly out of his mouth of their own accord. Karkat snorted. 

"Trolls don't use a human bed, first of all," he said, and Dave dragged his hands over his face, laughing. If there was a little manic tinge to it, so what?

"Please don't tell me you use the slime pod," he said. 

" _Recuperacoon,_ and -- no! The very thought is repulsive! But we aren't -- this isn't about -- I mean, it's intimate, sure, this is a private space that I'm choosing to share with you! And only you! But it isn't necessarily about _that._ "

"Okay," Dave agreed, carefully dismantling every sliver of disappointment he felt and burying it piece by piece like the world's most shitty and embarrassing treasure. 

"Maybe it was stupid," Karkat said, and his brows were all squashed together, now, hands on his hips and everything. Dave sighed. There was a kind of inevitability to the sound. Something inside him cracked and then gave way, all at once. 

"God," he said, and Karkat gave him this _look_ , and before he could stop himself the words were just falling out, one after the other, an unending torrent of absolute bullshit. "Look, Karkat, the other day -- the way I've been -- the stuff I've been saying and doing ever since you, uh, we got... together?" Karkat's whole body flinched away from him and his hands flew up, gesturing at him to stop, cut it out, but he couldn't, no fucking way. "I know I'm a piece of _shit_ , sometimes, I know I say stuff just to hurt you or push you away on purpose because the closer we get the more stupidly fucking _scared_ I am, and I know you don't deserve that, no one deserves that shit, and I know I work my outrageous fucking baggage out on you in probably the least productive ways possible--" 

"--Dave," Karkat was waving his arms, his eyes were so fucking wide, but the words wouldn't fucking _stop._ He felt disconnected from himself, _apart_ from himself, like his brain was a clinical observer to the absolute meltdown his body was having and expressing solely through the spastic flapping of his out of control tongue. 

"I know _you_ know I sometimes think awful things I don't really mean about this whole... us, thing, right, this whole guys being more than friends, _thing_ , and I know I'm just -- I'm just awful, I am really just fucking _awful_ , aren't I, I send you mixed signals and I say I'm okay with it and I'm _not_ but I can't, really, explain what... Rose thinks I'm -- and I'm _not_ , I just don't know what to fucking do, Karkat, I don't know what to do and I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry, holy shit, I'm --" 

"It's okay," Karkat was saying, probably had been saying for awhile. "Dave, it's okay. Holy shit, Dave, stop, it's _okay_." 

And then miraculously, he stopped, if only because he wasn't sure he could mumble anymore without crying, and he absolutely fucking refused to cry. There were lines that couldn't be crossed. Shouldn't be crossed. He took a deep breath. Karkat had gotten in really fucking close, at some point, crossed the room and Dave hadn't even noticed. He noticed now. He especially noticed when Karkat sucked in a breath of his own, stepped up and threw his arms around him, squeezing tight enough to kind of hurt, a little. In the best possible way. 

"It's okay," he said again, muffled into Dave's magic flying pajamas. Dave nodded. It wasn't, but he nodded anyway. 

"Okay," he said, and Karkat squeezed him harder, and when it hurt to breathe, that was almost enough. 

*

TG: im really not gay  
TG: that sounds pathetic and like hollow denial but just hear me out  
TG: i dont know how you figured it out  
TG: that you were i mean  
TG: i dont even know what it would be like  
TG: to only like the one thing the one way  
TG: maybe thats why this is such shit  
TG: that i just literally dont understand what the difference is if any between the way i feel about one thing and the way i feel about the other  
TG: maybe it would be easier if there was some definitive line i could look at and just go yep  
TG: yes sir that sure is the dividing line between what i find attractive and what i dont  
TG: that sure is a clearly defined boundary in my psyche strong enough to hang an entire societys worth of emotional and also hormonal baggage on  
TG: no problems here  
TG: and thinking for basically ever that thinking a certain way unironically about a certain subset of people was just off limits  
TG: made it hard to understand what wasnt off limits because my feelings werent appreciably different one way or the other  
TG: so i guess  
TG: maybe i just thought i was overall broken in a way  
TG: just never really going to work right or as intended so fuck it  
TG: the truth is that im pretty sure all it takes is like  
TG: thinking someone... cares, though for the longest time i dont think i even would have used that word because i feel like i only recently started understanding what that word really refers to  
TG: but then its like holy shit  
TG: a fucking life raft in the river of my own torrent of unending bullshit  
TG: better climb on  
TG: which sounds like it could be an innuendo  
TG: which is maybe appropriate  
TG: but also inappropriate because one of those life rafts was my sister  
TG: sorry  
TG: im sure it wasnt a big deal to you because you knew you were gay the whole time  
TG: which fucks me up to think about tbh  
TG: like you were leveraging your superior hold on this shit to brute force some kind of kindred soul you could like  
TG: gay mentor?  
TG: out of me  
TG: which probably isnt fair  
TG: im just assuming it was easy for you and maybe it wasnt  
TG: maybe you were confused the whole time too until you saw kanaya and were just like  
TG: oh shit  
TG: im hella gay  
TG: theres no going back now  
TG: which is understandable kanaya is super hot  
TG: see what i mean  
TG: thats the opposite of a gay thought and theyre just as numerous and genuine as my actually gay ones  
TG: anyway  
TG: good luck with your seer shit or whatever  
TG: hope you find the answers youre after out there  
TG: maybe we can like  
TG: talk about this sometime  
TG: yeah  
TG: thatd be good  
TG: anyway  
TG: later  


* 

"I think that was fair," Karkat said, when Dave's thumbs finally stopped flying over the keyboard. They were back in the depths of the meteor, bundled up together, cocooned in the sheets and blankets like -- well, like literal troll wigglers. Fitting. Dave was sitting in Karkat's lap, knees against his chest, phone held up above them and illuminating their little pod. Karkat's arms were still tight around him, locked around his waist, but that was fine. 

"Still, though," he said, shrugging uncomfortably. "It's different for girls."

"You keep saying that." 

"There's different expectations, man." 

"It's expected that girls will end up with boys, right? And vice versa? How is that different?" 

"No, like..." Dave sucked in a breath. How to explain. "It's expected that girls will end up with boys, but they're not... like, if girls want to experiment, it's..." he coughed. "It's not a big deal. They're like, allowed." 

"To experiment," Karkat said, voice flat. 

"Yeah. And like, yeah, that's shitty! It's shitty, but at least they're kind of allowed that much, sometimes. Guys _aren't._ A girl that messes around with other girls is like, yeah, okay, let her do her thing, she'll come around and be normal eventually. But a _guy_... it's like, the fucking end, okay? A guy that wants to do _anything_ gay, ever, is just... gay. He'll never come around, he'll never be normal, girls won't even put up with that shit because why bother with a gay guy? Even if it's not..." Dave trailed off, shrugging helplessly. "It's different." 

"It sounds like human guys just think they're inexplicably hot shit," Karkat said. "Girls will always come back to them and guys who give in can never go back, is that right?" 

Dave laughed, leaning back against him, nudging his shoulder with the back of his head admonishingly. "Kinda oversimplifying a little, dude. Besides, we obviously are hot shit, you should know." 

Karkat chuckled at that, directly into his ear. His entire body tensed up at the sound, this little tendril of heat coiling around his middle. Fuck. Karkat had to stop being so fucking attractive, especially at this proximity. 

"So hot that everyone on earth would look at Rose and Kanaya and just see a temporary fling." 

"I guess." 

"I think that would be pretty shitty to deal with. Being that obviously in love with someone, but having everyone treat you like your _real_ partner is still out there, waiting." 

"Yeah, but..." 

"But?" 

He chewed his lip. "But, I would have gotten the shit kicked out of me if anyone thought I liked guys. Like, the absolute living shit, Karkat." 

"By who?" 

He shrugged. "Anyone who found out, probably." 

"That's just a _thing_ , for humans? Routinely beating each other for your _gender preferences?_ " 

"Uh, yeah. It was. Big time." 

"Jesus," Karkat mumbled, and Dave felt him rest his chin in his hair. "Thank god you're out of that shitty place, then." 

"Guess so," Dave agreed. He held up his phone and waggled it. "I don't think she's gonna answer." 

"They're out there talking to the ghosts," Karkat shrugged. "A bunch of our ancestors are out there, and they've had a front row seat to whatever's been murdering the horrorterrors this whole time... I guess it's a good time to start collecting as much information as possible on what's really waiting for us at the end of this ride." 

"Not that they haven't been doing that all along, thanks to Vriska's secret _sources._ " 

"You know what? I'm glad we got disinvited to those meetings. They were fucking pretentious anyway. _Two_ light players in one room? I'd rather fucking die. Someone will just tell us what to do when we get there and that'll be that. That'll be a nice change." 

Dave laughed. "A year ago if someone would have said you wouldn't be in charge of the plan, you'd have fought everyone about it, every day." 

"I'm not saying that I feel one hundred percent great about it being _Vriska_ , mind you, but... anyway. Hey." 

"Yeah?" 

"What you were saying to Rose, about... life rafts, and stuff." 

"Oh. Uh, yeah." Dave shifted uncomfortably, setting the phone down in front of him. Karkat tightened his arms around him.

"Is that, I guess, how you feel about this? Me? I'm not trying to trap you into saying something that I'm then purposely trying to interpret in the most negative possible way, either, it's just that, if all you said there was true, I can't help but wonder how lasting those feelings are. As in, I really doubt I'll be the last person in your life to express interest, or to care, so if your feelings are just... reciprocating reflexively, or something..." 

An absolutely awful feeling welled up in him the entire time Karkat was talking, filling his stomach, his chest, tightening his throat. Fuck. _Fuck, everyone thinks I'm just the fucking worst, and maybe I am?_

"No, like -- no, dude." Dave caught himself fidgeting, forced himself to stop. "No, Jesus Christ, that's just how it _starts_ , okay? Like, how did it start for you? You -- I mean, it starts small, right? And the reason I'm like this is partially that I never had someone like you, who actually...? I think maybe, there's been people who could have understood me, and people who could have... wanted me, maybe, but not both at the same time. There's never actually been someone _like_ you, you're..." He gestured vaguely, frustrated. "Special feels like a fucking trite word to use, but I can't think of anything else, fuck." 

Karkat made a noncommittal noise, a half-snorting little _humm_ sound. "You're special, too," he said, finally. Dave stilled in his arms, and made the conscious decision to let that announcement fill him with warmth. He had to start letting these feelings fucking happen, even though all his instincts wanted to to deny them, divert them and then diffuse the moment with a shitty joke. He swallowed. He had to, or this shit would never work long-term. And despite everything, he knew he wanted it to fucking work so bad.

They just kind of sat there together in silence, for awhile. It wasn't the most awkward silence Dave had ever endured, and just having Karkat... holding him this way in the first place did a lot to mitigate it, the feel of his arms around him, his chin pressed into his hair. It was nice. It was also intimate, which made it terrifying. He wanted Karkat to just make a damn move, already, kiss him or slide his hands somewhere more daring, or something, but he _also_ wanted Karkat to just let him go, move away, unbundle them from this little blanket cocoon and pretend none of this talking or touching had ever happened. He wasn't actually sure which one he wanted more, but he knew which one was probably _better._ Which one came from a place he wanted to encourage and which one came from a place he wanted to get better at growing away from. 

When this restless feeling filled him up to the point that it was impossible to ignore, he decided to take destiny into his own damn hands for once, instead. He squirmed away, and Karkat let him go. He turned around on his knees, caught the disappointed look on Karkat's face before he could hide it completely, and grinned. Karkat's brows pulled down. 

"What?" he demanded. Dave put his hands on his shoulders. They were really warm. Karkat's eyes flickered from Dave's face to that contact and back again. 

"I'm gonna kiss you, I think," Dave said, carefully. 

"Oh," Karkat exhaled. His eyes were stupidly expressive, Dave noticed, not for the first time. His heart was loud in his ears. 

"If that's okay." 

Karkat nodded.

Their kissing up to this point had been... fast. Embarrassed. Dry little pecks that were over before they really began, followed by mumbled "good nights" or "good mornings" or just a bunch of silent shuffling on the couch while they both did their best to not combust into separate but similar piles of ash. 

This wasn't like that. Dave closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Karkat's, and then, instead of yanking immediately away and figuratively self-immolating, he kept them there, unsure really of what to _do_ but sure it didn't involve any space between them. It was kind of like just kissing him a few times in a row, at first, and then Karkat actually seemed to realize what was happening, and -- holy shit. 

Karkat pulled him closer, and Dave's hands went from resting on Karkat's shoulders to sliding around his neck, instead. Karkat put his hands on Dave's hips and leaned back, pulling him in at the same time, so they pressed in close together. Dave was more than happy to cede control of the situation over, and Karkat was more than happy to take it, wiggling backward and guiding Dave with little touches. Their little blanket cocoon collapsed around them, and it was too hot inside it, the air was stale and sweaty and Dave's phone had gone to sleep, plunging them into a level of darkness that Dave couldn't see through but Karkat seemed to be able to navigate just fine. 

"Is this okay?" Karkat whispered. 

"It's fucking perfect," Dave whispered back, a little trickle of sweat tickling behind his ear. Karkat's fingers feathered up into his hair, his lips parted against Dave's, and that was the end of talking, for awhile. 

His phone chimed a few times, in the middle of it. He would have kicked it away, except he liked the way the screen lit up, giving him little glimpses of Karkat through slitted eyes. Perfect. 

* 

When he woke up it was still mostly dark, but they'd pulled down the blankets, presumably so they didn't actually suffocate together. The vents were rumbling in the ceiling, and the cool air made him shiver. Karkat was breathing beneath him, deep and even, one arm still draped loosely around him, warm through his shirt. Dave licked his lips, and imagined he could still taste everything they'd been doing. Holy shit. 

No one had ever told him that just _kissing_ could be so good. Maybe a little touching, too, but it mostly the kissing that had him replaying everything that had just happened over and over. And if he felt guilty about it, it was easier than he remembered it ever being before to just... ignore that. There were so many _good_ feelings, it was easy to bury the bad ones. 

He had to pee. Check his phone. Calm down. Wake Karkat up so they could kiss some more, maybe. He grinned. 

When he moved to get up, Karkat's eyes fluttered, one rough hand finding one of Dave's wrists. "What're you...?" Karkat mumbled, and Dave, on impulse, leaned over and kissed him, quick and chaste, like all their kisses has been before a few hours ago. Karkat's eyes blinked open. 

"I need to piss," Dave said. Karkat snorted, let go of his wrist, and waved him off. Dave slid off the bed, grabbing his phone, and resolved to commit Karkat's half-smiling content expression just then to memory forever. God, he was an embarrassing human being. 

He checked the phone, floating through the eerie metal corridors.

TT: Wow.   
TT: I... Where to begin?   
TT: I'm honestly not sure.   
TT: Let's see.   


The timestamps indicated a gap in her responses, here. Dave combed his memory for times where he'd actually managed to strike Lalonde speechless, and honestly couldn't think of any. At least, not like this. Actually, a part of him was deeply regretting sending all of that, now that he had to deal with it, but... kind of pointless to dwell on that now.

TT: I believe you. Let's start with that. I get the sense from your messages that you think I don't.   
TT: I never believed you were straight, obviously, but I do believe this.   
TT: Are you there, Dave?  


Another gap. He almost laughed. Nope, sorry Rose, busy making out with my fucking boyfriend, a situation I should probably really tell you about before someone else does, but I'm a fucking coward and that conversation sounds hard. He sighed.

TT: I don't want this conversation to be the world's most excruciating game of phone tag, so please message me when you're available.  


Sure thing, Lalonde.

He pissed first, for politeness's sake, and then he dropped the lid over the toilet and sat his ass down on it, took a deep breath, and started typing.

TG: yeah sorry i was kind of fucked up when i sent all that  
TG: i feel a little better now  
TG: in case you were wondering  
TG: youre probably asleep so the excruciating phone tag thing is about to just continue unabated huh  
TT: No.   
TG: oh hey  
TG: whats up  
TT: I'm very much awake. Too much to think about.   
TG: sorry  
TT: It's not just you. Although, you're part of it.   
TG: how goes the information mining out there  
TT: Productive, actually.   
TT: But I doubt you actually want to talk about any of that.   
TG: not really no  
TT: Do you still want to talk about... this?   
TG: do you  
TT: It might be awkward.   
TG: oh it will definitely be awkward  
TG: its going to be a fuckin condensed god damn sludge bomb of pure concentrated awkward all up in both our faces brazenly stanking everything up  
TG: thats not the point  
TG: the point is this is stuff we should probably air out right  
TG: i mean  
TG: were like...   
TG: were close right  
TG: like family sure not that we ever talk about that but   
TT: Dave.   
TT: Honestly.   
TT: You flew out into the depths of the furthest ring to join me on a suicide mission not because you thought your presence could make it any less of one, but simply because you didn't want me to die alone.   
TT: Yes, we're close, idiot.   
TG: so  
TG: when did you know  
TT: Early.   
TT: I never talked about it with my mother, but I think she knew.   
TT: I never really discussed it, because I was thirteen years old when the world ended, and never exactly had the full advantage of context or opportunity to weigh how my preferences would change the way that world perceived me.   
TT: I didn't have many friends, as you know. No one to really bounce this off of.   
TT: And you're right that I did on some level see an opportunity with you, in part because of that.   
TT: Jade never really would have understood it. I could tell even without knowing the full scope of her situation that wherever she was... conventions of society weren't exactly a relatable topic.   
TT: And John is John.   
TG: haha  
TG: yeah  
TG: he sure is  
TT: But I'm not even sure I would have had much to talk about, even if you had leapt out of the closet fully formed at my first intrusive prodding.   
TG: wow  
TG: that sure is an image  
TT: I think I just wanted to be right.   
TT: Not only that. It's more that I sensed that I was right, and I wanted you to admit it, because it bothered me that you wouldn't accept just how right I was.  
TG: in a way thats kinda worse  
TT: I suppose.   
TT: I'm not terribly sorry. Maybe that's the worst part, from your perspective.  
TT: Now that you know, you can do whatever you want with it. Ignore it, if you wish. But at least now you know.   
TG: know about my ability to find guys attractive you mean  
TT: Yes.   
TG: you know i liked you right  
TT: Yes.   
TG: how do you feel about that  
TT: I accepted our dangerous brush with incestuous feelings a long time ago, and wrote it off as an amusing and slightly awkward folly of youth. Have you not?  
TG: they werent mutual though  
TG: so you werent really in any danger of that  
TT: Not... exactly.   
TG: ??   
TT: I liked you. The flirting wasn't only a convenient and easy way to manipulate you. You were fun to banter with.   
TT: I don't know why I'm using past tense, you still are all these things.   
TT: I assumed you moved on. Was that wrong?  
TG: no  
TG: i mean im not totally disgusting the second we got that hot reveal about our shared parentage i pretty much stopped being able to think of you romantically  
TG: thank god  
TT: Indeed.  
TG: but we never talked about it or really acknowledged it directly and i guess i just wanted to do that  
TG: before we move on to whatevers next   
TT: Okay.   
TT: Understandable.   
TT: I knew I preferred women. I also knew that I found you charming, albeit typically in an infuriating way. My interest was more cerebral. I understand now it would never have been physical. And that is where you and I differ, it seems. Which is fine.   
TG: youre right this is hellishly awkward  
TT: I warned you.   
TG: its fine i asked for it  
TG: literally  
TG: okay well   
TG: i made out with karkat last night so i guess thats a thing  
TG: probably you didnt want to know that much detail so sorry but its kinda fresh on my mind and its kind of sitting there all heavy and secret and i dont have anyone else to talk to  
TG: so yeah  
TG: im gonna date him and see where it goes  
TG: actually weve been officially dating for awhile  
TG: not as long as you and kanaya but a few weeks maybe  
TG: and im telling you because probably terezi or someone else who figured it out would have probably brought it up eventually and i wanted to tell you myself  
TG: so thats that   
TG: did you flee in terror because thats understandable if so  
TT: Not at all.   
TT: I did, however, laugh aloud in a way that Kanaya has informed me was "unsettling."   
TT: I'm guessing she doesn't know.   
TG: probably not karkat is even more neurotic about this stuff than i am  
TG: not because of the gay stuff obviously hes just weird about romance in general  
TT: I'll give him a few days.   
TG: haha ok  
TG: thanks  
TG: do you think like  
TG: things are going to change a lot  
TT: No.   
TT: Why would they?  
TG: just... everything feels a little different now  
TG: i feel different  
TG: like every time someone looks at me im afraid theyll be thinking about this  
TT: Well, you'll have to endure being the most interesting gossip topic, for awhile.   
TT: I'm sure that will be just terrible for both of you.   
TT: But you'll live.   
TG: yeah  
TG: ok one more awkward question  
TT: All right.   
TG: do you and kanaya call each other girlfriends or matesprits  
TT: Oh, lord.   
TG: yeah i know  
TG: its stupid but ive actually fucking lost sleep over this  
TG: im not into the quadrant stuff  
TG: which i can see you starting to ask the question in my minds eye so let me just preempt you real quick yes i told him that and he was ok  
TG: but like  
TG: i dont know something something... culture etc  
TT: You should work that out between the two of you, I think.   
TT: But Kanaya calls me her matesprit.   
TG: what do you call her  
TT: Both.   
TG: what are you gonna do if she like  
TG: finds a kismesis or something  
TT: Deal with that when we get to it.   
TG: that seems out of character for you dont you have a thing where all your ducks have to be meticulously in a row  
TT: Well.   
TT: Keep this quiet, please, but: I'm not actually perfect.   
TG: holy shit  
TG: deep revelations  
TT: I know.   
TG: okay ill leave that alone for now its kind of bumming me out anyway   
TT: Talk about it with Karkat.   
TG: i will  
TG: eventually  
TG: actually it makes me feel better that i dont have this all totally figured out since not even you do apparently  
TT: Kanaya and I have far from "figured everything out."   
TT: I assure you.   
TG: hey  
TT: Yes?  
TG: thanks for taking time out of your busy seer schedule to indulge my bullshit like this  
TT: You're welcome.   
TG: im actually really glad youre my sister  
TG: it feels like on some level now you have to put up with said bullshit no matter what because you coulda stopped being my friend i guess but you cant ever stop being my sister   
TG: haha jokes on you lalonde  
TG: irrevocably linked to dave strider the most unenviable fate  
TT: It's not so bad, overall.   
TG: were probably going to pretend this conversation never happened right  
TT: God, I hope so.   
TG: same  
TG: ok then  
TG: since were doing that  
TG: i love you rose  
TG: in a not creepy purely familial way in case that wasnt clear  
TT: I love you, too.   
TT: Now let's never speak of this again.   
TG: right  


It was strange. 

Like a poison he'd been dying from his whole life, except he hadn't really known about it until he'd stumbled across the antidote, and now even though healing was hard and hurt and sucked pretty bad, actually, the stuff that was on the other side actually _felt_ like living. 

His ass hurt from sitting on the damn toilet seat for so long. Karkat was going to tease him about falling in. He stood up, pocketed his phone, and smiled the whole way back.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)!


End file.
